As I mentally check off one more item on my long list of “to do’s” I ask myself if this is really how I should be preparing for Christmas. Each year I haul down the boxes of decorations, and work for days filling every nook and cranny of the house with things that say Christmas. But do they really say Christmas, or is it my futile attempt to force festiveness into my world? I used to say that all the decorating was to get me in the mood for the holiday. But I think it is really more of a mask to cover the real mood. I have tried for years to force feed myself a huge meal of Christmas joy and happiness. The overall belief was that if I covered every available space with garland and lights that maybe the sadness would be covered as well.
I have planned and executed parties for housefuls of guests, cooking, cleaning and of course decorating. But after it was all over the sadness and emptiness returned like some unwanted guest that refused to leave. No matter how busy I kept myself, and no matter how much money I spent it was always there.
Those that know me may equate these feelings of sadness with the loss of my son. And yes, that does amplify it a great deal. But honestly those feelings were there before Wayne died. Growing up I always saw Christmas as a magical time, a time when dreams could come true and wishes were granted. I still wanted to believe in Santa Claus after I was all grown up. I finally understand that there is no Santa Claus, but there is someone much more wonderful than even Santa. Someone that I can depend on no matter what date is on the calendar. And the most special gift of all has already been given and it didn’t matter if we were naughty or nice. The only requirement for receiving it is that we ask for it.
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