Running on Empty

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." (Isaiah 40:30-31, NIV)

As I started reading my devotionals this morning, one seemed to speak directly to me. It described my current situation to a "T" running around, so busy with life that there was no time for a much needed spritual refill. I have found that I need more than a weekly visit to God's house to get me through the week. That is where I fill my spritual tank with God fuel. But I also need regular refills through the week. If I don't get those I seem to get mired down in the stress of it all. Especially now that I have gone back to work. Funny how that works, you are stressed out because you aren't working, then you start working and you are stressed even more. I didn't free myself of anything I just shifted it around and added to. So now I not only have to keep house, and all the responsibilities that are associated with that job, I still have the responsibilities that I took on while not working at church, and in my community, pile on top of that family needs, the holidys and all the extra little things associated with them. Then put the cherry of learning a new job and you have my life.
What I have found is that if I can take time each morning to spend a little quiet time with my heavenly father then it helps me to better deal with it all. I look at it as topping off my spritual tank with the necessary fuel to help me deal with the challenges of the day.

Doing the Right Thing

Doing what is right seemed to be the theme for my devotionals this morning. One talked of the holidays and newlyweds figuring out how to share time with both families during the holidays. This was the one that spoke very loudly to me. My extended family is fairly large, six children and eight grandchildren. And I have always enjoyed spending time with them all especially during the holidays. To me it is the big family gatherings that mean the most and make it all, Christmas.
I don’t have children or grandchildren in my home so I cling to those gatherings as if they were a life raft. And I have been somewhat vocal about the desire of my siblings to try and change the day that we all come together to celebrate. Years ago, Carolyn, my stepmother, said I don’t care where you go the rest of the year you will be at my house on Christmas day. Then we all started getting married, and that brought in a whole new twist, the in-laws. Of course they wanted their children at their house on Christmas day too. So what happened Carolyn caved and we started celebrating at different times of the month of December. At first this was fine with me, but as the celebration started getting farther and farther away from December 25th I started to get more and more upset. After all this was my only Christmas. Ray’s family is for the most part all gone so spending time with them is not an option. And to be honest Ray is not “into” Christmas like I am. So the very idea of spending Christmas day alone at home, just the two of us is pretty dismal. So I started complaining and grousing about our family being just as important as the families of everyone else and why did our family have to be the one to compromise. I even thought about boycotting the family Christmas just to show them. But the only one who would really be affected by this would be me. So did I want to as my grandmother would say “cut off my nose to spite my face? No, I truly love being in the middle of that chaotic celebration.
So I am trying to “do the right thing” and be sensitive to the needs of others, even though it is difficult at times. We all have a tendency to put self first, but I am also learning that there is truly joy in doing what is right and dealing justly with others as the scripture says.

Wait for the Miracle

If I ever doubted that God works miracles then all doubt was erased yesterday. On December 5th 2008, I returned from lunch to the law office where I had worked for more than 4 years, to find a letter terminating my employment on my desk. There had been warning of this event and there was no explanation as to why. Suddenly I had no job. Two months prior to this my husband, Ray, had a heart attack and underwent quadruple bypass surgery. So that meant he was not physically able to work. Normally I would have panicked, but something told me that everything would be ok. Now don’t get me wrong, there was a moment of terror, but it didn’t last. I knew that if I would trust in my Heavenly Father all would be ok.
So like a child I turned to my parent and said please take care of us and he did. Things have not been easy, and there have been times that I wondered how I was going to pay all of the bills. But the really funny thing is that I was able to pay the bills on time, and that had not always been the case. One time in particular when I was trying to figure out how to juggle everything there was a knock on the door. There stood a man that I know, I can’t say that he is exactly a friend, but just someone that lives in the same small town that we do, and he handed me a one hundred dollar bill. He and his wife had been talking and they thought we might need it. That one hundred dollars was exactly what I needed to get everything paid that month. I knew then that God used his children here on earth as angels.
Over the past two years I have sent out resumes, and I have gone on interviews, a few times I was even called back for a second interview, but no offers. I was either over qualified, or under educated. Thanks to another friend, I was able to work in a local tax office from January to April 15th of each year, and the rest of the time I was on unemployment.
This is the last week of my unemployment benefits, and I already knew that I had work beginning in January. I was scheduled to do my tax training on Friday of this week. But now I don’t have to. My miracle happened yesterday. I received a job offer with what I believe is a very good company, run by Christian people. I had gone on the first and second interviews and I really felt good about it, the only drawback was the starting salary. Now don’t get me wrong, any salary is a good salary when you aren’t working. But we all have responsibilities and I knew how much I needed to make to meet them. The offer was for the amount that I knew I needed, I didn’t ask for it, but it was provided. Now to me that is a miracle. So I start on Monday and I am looking forward to a long and satisfying relationship with this company and its owners. I have finally learned that if I will have faith and let him do things in his time it will be worth it.

Take Time for Rest

As I read my daily devotional this morning, it seemed as if the writer were speaking directly to me. In fact I think she may have been me. The topic was about not getting enough rest and not sleeping.

Lately I have been running around like mad trying to get what seems like a million things done. And I can't let anyone down so I agree to take on whatever project I am asked to do. I am trying to study for finals,yes I am in school, then there are special services at church, special services at friends churches that I want to attend, my mother wants me to help decorate, and all the while I wonder when I am going to do my own decorations and I can't forget the baking and the candy making. Do you see what I mean?

There is just not enough time to get it all done. But I also realized that even if I were given more hours in the day, I am only one person and I cannot physically do it all. In fact after going nonstop for almost two weeks, God ordered a mandatory rest period, a sinus infection that forced me to stop and rest. So now what do I do? I have lost even more time and the list did not get shorter.

I have to decide what to cross off the list, and not do. But most importantly, I have to realize that even if I don't get it all done, I am not a failure, just human. So I may not get my own Christmas tree up this year, but spending time with my mom decorating at her house will be much more enjoyable and memorable.

So don't wish for more time, because having more hours in the day would only prove to make you more exhausted. Do what you can and the rest will work out.

Holiday Sadness

As I mentally check off one more item on my long list of “to do’s” I ask myself if this is really how I should be preparing for Christmas. Each year I haul down the boxes of decorations, and work for days filling every nook and cranny of the house with things that say Christmas. But do they really say Christmas, or is it my futile attempt to force festiveness into my world? I used to say that all the decorating was to get me in the mood for the holiday. But I think it is really more of a mask to cover the real mood. I have tried for years to force feed myself a huge meal of Christmas joy and happiness. The overall belief was that if I covered every available space with garland and lights that maybe the sadness would be covered as well.
I have planned and executed parties for housefuls of guests, cooking, cleaning and of course decorating. But after it was all over the sadness and emptiness returned like some unwanted guest that refused to leave. No matter how busy I kept myself, and no matter how much money I spent it was always there.
Those that know me may equate these feelings of sadness with the loss of my son. And yes, that does amplify it a great deal. But honestly those feelings were there before Wayne died. Growing up I always saw Christmas as a magical time, a time when dreams could come true and wishes were granted. I still wanted to believe in Santa Claus after I was all grown up. I finally understand that there is no Santa Claus, but there is someone much more wonderful than even Santa. Someone that I can depend on no matter what date is on the calendar. And the most special gift of all has already been given and it didn’t matter if we were naughty or nice. The only requirement for receiving it is that we ask for it.

Have We Forgotten the Real Reason for the Season?

Christmas is the time that we should celebrate the birth of Jesus. He is the reason for the season, not the presents, food, or the parties. We seem to have forgotten this most important reason. It has become a time for the retailers to make their profit for the year, and children look forward to receiving all the gifts on those long lists they have given to Santa. We stress about how we are going to fit it all in, when we should be rejoicing in the birth of our savior.
It is also a time of sadness for many, and I hear it said by some that they will be glad when it is all over. And I know personally that it can be a very sad time, a time of year that the loss of a loved one is magnified. But we must move on and rejoice in knowing that those loved ones are with God and that we will see them again one day. To me life would be meaningless and not worth living without that belief.
It is my prayer for everyone to live everyday as if it were Christmas, and rejoice in God’s love each and every day. Who says that we can only have turkey and dressing at Thanksgiving, and the only time of year I can eat coconut pie is Christmas. And the only time of year that we visit long forgotten relatives is between Thanksgiving and Christmas. If we could live our lives as if every day were a holiday just imagine how wonderful it might be. I don’t mean the decorations or the presents. But the wonder and love that comes with celebrating the birth of our savior.

Friendships

We all like to think that we know and understand ourselves, and many believe that they know their friends and some even study their “enemies”. But the only one who truly knows us from the inside out is God. We try to impress others with our things, and good deeds. But the best way to impress is to live a godly life and follow the teachings of the Bible.
We develop and cultivate friendships based on what is in it for us. How can this person help me in reaching my goals? And so many times once they have outlived their usefulness we leave them by the wayside.
I watch a lot of television, much of it is reality TV. And from watching this reality I have seen one underlying theme. The ends justify the means. Week after week these people will lie, scheme and backstab all in the name of “the game”. They will go before the camera, and state that this is not who I really am, but I am doing it for the game. If you are willing to do whatever it takes on national television, then I have no doubt that you will do the same thing when millions are not looking. What has happened to Do unto Others as You Would Have Done unto You? Our society has become so desensitized and to this type of behavior, that it is becoming accepted as normal and correct.
I know that I am rambling, but I think what I am trying to say is that we should treat others as we want to be treated, and we should make friends for the sake of having friends.

Healing Wounds

As I read my devotional this morning I began to see myself in a new way. I see that I not only wear the pain and scars as an armor to protect me but also as a badge. Yep, I am proud of my scars and I want the world to know what I have lived through and risen above. But as long as I carry them with me I have not risen above them I am holding on and using them as an excuse when things go wrong.
I have asked for God’s forgiveness, but I have failed to forgive. I have begged for understanding, but I have not understood. I don’t like it when others don’t do as I believe they should. But I believe that it is just fine when I do or say as I want without thought to what effect it may have on someone else.
We all have scars, and we all carry pain from the past and the present and the pain that each and every one of us carries is no less important than the others. It is just different because we are different. Some may not have as many scars as others, but they were just as painful when they were inflicted. It is how we deal with them after they have started to heal is what is important. Do we continually pick at the wound and keep it from healing or do we put a salve on it and leave it alone. As a Christians we need to learn that God will provide a wonderful healing salve if we will just let him apply it. And he will heal our wounds and just like a physical wound heals better with the right care so do those deeper wounds that we carry on the inside.

Life Can Change in a Moment

On the day that Wayne died my life changed. I became a mother without a child. I became a statistic, a number on a list of others whose children had taken their own lives.
I cannot say that I was a good mother. But I did and still do love with all my heart the beautiful little boy with copper colored hair that always had a hug for me. He had a heart that was bigger than he was. And he loved with every ounce of it. He was smart and caring and loved to play pratical jokes on everyone around him.
On the day that he died, I was worrying about Christmas and how we were going to be able to afford presents, and all of the other expenses that seem to come with the holidays. By the end of the day all of that was not important. For my baby was gone and I did not understand why.
I still don't understand why, and I never will in this life. But I know with all my heart that I will see him again one day after my job in this life is finished. There have been days that I wanted to end it all, the pain, the questions, the doubt. But I didn't mostly because I did not want to hurt those I will leave behind as much as I was hurt when Wayne left me.
I am scarred with the scars from a life of mistakes and bad choices and although Wayne's father was one of those mistakes, something beautiful came from it and for that I am forever grateful.

Shortcuts and Consequences

This morning’s devotional was about taking shortcuts. You know the ones that I am talking about. Putting the dish in the sink instead of the dishwasher, Leaving the mail on the table instead of going through it and tossing out the junk mail right then, all of the little things that we don’t do in the name of “not enough time right now”.
It got me to thinking about all of the shortcuts that I have taken and where they got me. I cannot play the piano, because I took shortcuts during my lessons. I am now back in college, because I took a shortcut to adulthood with disastrous results. I have had some great jobs in my life that I walked away from, because I wanted to reach the top of the ladder too quickly.
It has taken me a long time to learn that if it is worth having it is worth working for and worth taking the time to get it right. Taking the time to do a job right will always reward us. This is a lesson that I am learning a little later in life than I would have liked, but I am learning the lesson nonetheless.
My relationship with God is much the same. It is a long process of but in the end if I take the time and build a strong foundation and work my way through it will be stronger and I will be less likely to falter when obstacles are put in my path. I am a work in progress, and I thank God that he is still willing to take the time to complete me.
So my thought for today is that slow and steady might not win the race but you will cross the finish line, and when you do it will be with the knowledge that it was done the right way.

Frindships and Trust

My devotional this morning talked of friendship, especially those between women. And how women cherish the friendships that they have and grieve when they are lost.

Over the years many very special women have walked into and out of my life. Women that made me feel loved and special. But there have been very few that were close enough for me to feel that I could confide in them and tell them my deepest and darkest feelings and secrets. Those things that you need to speak out loud, but know that if you ever do then there is no going back. But there have been some that I trusted enough to confide my innermost thoughts to. And sadly, more times than not those shared thoughts were not kept in confidence. So now I am even more guarded about what I share and with whom. And that is not how true friendship should be.

True friendship, is trust, Loyalaty and above all it is acceptance no matter what. I think we have become such a disposable society that we are too quick to dismiss and dispose of things in our lives. It has become to easy to throw away and replace with the latest and greatest.

A true friend is someone to cherish and a true friendship takes time, you have to nurture it and allow it to grow. Time and trust will build a bond that can never be broken. And we need to stop expecting instant results and realize that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Why Do I Blog?

Blogging, this is a term that was unheard of just a few years ago, and now everyone is blogging. What does it mean to blog? Is it my own personal platform to promote what is important to me? Is it a place to spread gossip and lies about others? Or is it an area where people who feel that they have something worthwhile to say can freely get their message out to anyone that is interested in hearing it.

Actually I think it is all of the above. I want to use my blog to tell others of my faith and how it has given me the strength and courage to go on in some very difficult times. I hope that by sharing my story that it may help someone else who is struggling. I hope to pass on the peace that turning it over to God gave me. Because without God, and my faith I would still be here, alive but that is about all that I would be, alive, but not living.

I don't have all the answers. I have a lot of questions, but the one answer that I do have is that without faith, and without my Lord Jesus I might have survived but I would not be living.

Clear Thoughts and Common Sense

“Dear friend, guard clear thinking and common sense with your life; don’t for a minute lose sight of them. They’ll keep your soul alive and well, they’ll keep you fit and attractive. Prov. 1-21 The Message


I started using The Message at the suggestion of a friend at church. It is a version of the Bible written in contemporary language and I personally gain a better understanding of what I am reading. I have always been a visual learner, I learn more by doing than by reading. So as I read this passage I thought about how I had not always followed the teachings of this scripture. And how each time I veer from the path I learn another lesson, like I said I learn by doing.
I am in the midst of a huge learning experience right now, as a matter of fact. I have learned that it would have been much easier if I had stayed in college 30 years ago rather than trying to go back now. I have learned that you cannot take back words once they have been spoken. And even if you truly meant no harm, and the person that they were directed towards never hears them. If they were said in unkindness it reflects on you more than it does of the person they were said about. And just because someone does or says something that hurts you, retaliation will only reflect on you. So we all need to think clearly and use common sense in all that we do.

Who Am I

My schedule has been very full lately. Going back to school is much more difficult than I ever imagined, especially as I also try to keep up with all of my other perceived duties. I know that sometimes we all take on more than we should. At least I do, I have that desire to please those around me. And there is also a need to prove myself; I don’t have a college degree so I have to prove to others that I do have intelligence and capabilities. Right now I don’t have a job, so I have to prove to everyone that I am not lazy, and that I do have value.
There is so much that I feel that I have to prove to others that I have forgotten what is important to me. I have gone so long down this road of trying to please those around me. And trying to do what I was supposed to do that I am not even sure what is important to me anymore.
I wrote earlier of finding my dreams, I am still looking, but I think I am on the right path. Through my daily devotional, and opening my heart to hear God when he speaks, I know that I will find my way. And once I do get on that right path I trust that the pieces will fall into place and there will be no doubt that I am walking down the road that he intended for me to travel.

Finding our Purpose

I know that God has a purpose and a plan for my life, and I also believe that if I follow that plan or path that he has chosn for me that I will be rewarded. Not necessiarly with riches and things but much greater rewards.

I pray regularly that God will show me the way and that I will open my heart and follow him down that path. It is a struggle, after all we were also given free will. We can make our own choices, and choose our own way. But if we will just let go and let God take the lead, our life's journey would take us down roads that we never imagined.

"'Do Your Own Thing'

'Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.'
E. H. Chapin"

So therefore when we do our own thing, this action affects not only ourselves but it is sometimes far reaching so we should always think before w act, or look before we leap.

Leap of Faith

As I read my daily devotional, I came to better understand and realize what I have know all along. If I pray about it, and trust in God to provide the answer to my prayer then he will also show me the way to achieve it.

So today I pray that my dreams of writing are not only my dreams, but also God's plan. I pray that he will put the words on my heart that he would have written so that maybe, just maybe someone will be touched by those words. And it will help them in some way, as the writings of others have helped me so much through my own trials, troubles and joys.

Light

I turned off the lamp on my desk and closed my computer and was instantly plunged into total darkness. It was then that I started to regret my decision not to plug in the night light lamp back in earlier that day. It stayed on all the time; so on those nights that I came upstairs to work at my desk, there was always a light to guide my way.
As I felt my way to the door, I could see a glimmer of light from downstairs. I knew that if I followed that light I would find my way out of the room. As I thought of this, it occurred to me that it is much the same way in our spiritual lives. We can choose to plug into the light or we can stumble around in darkness trying to find the way on our own. The light of Jesus is always there, all we have to do is “plug it in”. There is no charge per kilowatt. He gives freely of all that he has to offer, if we will only ask for it and trust that it will be given.
It is so easy to trust in that outlet in the wall. We know if we plug our lamps and night lights into it there will be light. Why is it then that we have so much difficulty in trusting in the one true light? It is always there, never failing. There are no brown outs or power shortages with Jesus. It is always there whatever the voltage needed, it is supplied. You don’t get a bill at the end of each month charging you for the amount of power you used. That bill was paid in full many years ago.
So many times it seems we have to be plunged into a spiritual darkness before we seek the outlet and allow his light to shine and guide our paths. Just as I done with my lamp, I didn’t need it during the day when I was rearranging my office, so therefore I didn’t plug it in. There was no longer a place for it in the room. When things in our lives are going well, there is no place for Jesus. Going to church and Sunday school is a bother. We have too many other things going on to make a place for the one true light.
I knew my way around and found my way out of the room, but if there had been just a tiny little bulb burning it would have been much easier and I could have made my way without stumbling and feeling the way as I went.
Yes, we can make it on our own without help, but if we will bring his light into our lives, then we won’t have to stumble and feel our way. He will light our path and guide through the rooms of our lives.
There will always be trials, problems and sometimes even chaos in our lives. Accepting Christ doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect. It does mean we won’t have to go through those trials alone and in that acceptance and trust there is an assurance that there will always be a light to bring you through the darkness.
I found a place for my night light so I won’t have to worry about stubbing a toe or knocking into a piece of furniture during the night as I make my usual middle of the night visit to my office. My other light, the one that guides me each day, is always plugged in and the bulb will never burn out. That is the one true and constant thing that I know I can depend on each and every day.

New Dreams

My last entry was about dreams. I realized that I had stopped dreaming, I thought I had gotten too old and there was no time left for dreams to be fulfilled.

I was so wrong.

My life is not over and I have time to dream and time for my dreams to be fulfilled. I ahve started writing and it has helped me to rid myself of some of the deamons that have been ruling my life.

I am over fifty, and I am going back to school. It is scary but I am determined to finally get that degree that I should have gotten so many years ago. It won't be easy but it will be worth it, if for no other reason to prove to myself that I can do it.

I lost my job December 2008, and I know that there are those who beleive that if I were really trying I could have found something. I disagree, it is much easier to find a new job if you still have one. It is especially difficult to explain that you were terminated without real cause, but you believe you would be an asset to the proposed new employer. I have sent resume after resume, I have gone on interviews and even a few second interviews. But it seems that no one is willing to give me the opportunity to prove what I can do.

I allowed all of the negative to seep into my soul and take over and it stopped me from dreaming, and making plans. I feel as if I am in limbo, I am afraid to make plans, in hopes that I will be working and unable to carry out said plans. But the worst thing I did was allow myself to stop dreaming.

With encouragement from my sister I have started to write about my journey through life and the many obstacles I have faced, and how my faith brought me through to the other side. By doing this I am finding that I can still dream, and there is always hope. I believe that I had to look at how far I had come, to realize how far I can still go.

Dreams

"‎'A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.'- John Barrymore" I feel as though I have stopped dreaming. I regret that I did not follow my dreams of years past and I am going to start dreaming again and this time I will follow those dreams.